If bonding doesn’t happen in infancy, is it too late? No. There's hope.

In last week’s blog, we described the bonding that occurs between parents and their infants and the importance of forming a strong emotional attachment for both parties. For the infant, it is the foundation for growth and development.

In this post, we will explore whether bonding can occur later if it doesn’t happen in infancy. We will begin with my personal experience and then look at the research.

A story of bonding after adoption.

This true story took place during the time I was presenting workshops about bonding for WIC and other health professionals. It occurred while serving as a high-risk counselor for Indiana’s early intervention program called First Steps, which served children up to age 3. I worked most often with families who were experiencing feeding issues.

I was asked to work with a family who had recently adopted an adorable little boy from Russia. His referring diagnosis was short stature, but considering his biological parents were gypsies, he was abandoned at birth weighing only 4 pounds, and then was hospitalized for two months; his size was not surprising.

From the hospital, he was placed in an orphanage. For the first two years of his life, he slept in a crib with many other children, sat for long periods of time on a row of potty chairs, and had limited physical contact with adults. Otherwise, he was adequately fed, kept clean, and properly dressed. His general health was fine. But…

He was experiencing a variety of feeding problems that were causing his adoptive parents a lot of concern. He was a “picky” eater, hid food, and stuffed food in his mouth even though there was plenty to eat. His parents were offering all the right foods in just the right ways. What else could they do? They were also concerned about his delayed speech and the way he rocked himself back and forth violently.

I talked with the mom about how her new son needed to make up for a couple of years of missed parenting, especially those things we do that help us form secure attachments. We brainstormed multiple ways she and the rest of the family, which included her husband and 10-year-old daughter, could have close physical contact in a way that an active two-year-old boy would accept.

We discussed massaging him during baths and dressing, wrestling with him on the floor, taking walks holding hands, cuddling to read a story, rocking together, rubbing his back to help him settle down to sleep, etc. We also discussed spending lots of time interacting verbally: singing, reading, and talking. She left ready to put the ideas into action.

One month later, we got together again, and the results were dramatic. I was amazed. What a joy and relief to see that it wasn’t too late to make a difference.

I’m sure you’ll agree that what was shared in that initial appointment was not your usual nutrition counseling advice, but it was exactly what the child needed. Had I just focused on nutrition and not the nurturing aspect of feeding and parenting, would I have helped that mother?

That experience confirmed what I taught in my workshops: Feeding is where nutrition, development, and parenting come together.

Research emphasizes the importance of bonding in infancy

When counseling the mother, I knew that the window of opportunity for bonding was potentially closing, as research clearly indicates that the first two years are critical. In a paper titled “The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children,” authors Winston and Chicot describe several studies of the impact of neglect during the first years of life.

The study most similar to the Russian adoption story found these sobering statistics:

“Rutter et al. studied the development of children adopted from Romanian orphanages who were adopted into loving families at different ages. When each child was 6 years old, the researchers assessed what proportion of these adopted children was functioning ‘normally’. They found that 69% of the children adopted before the age of 6 months; 43% of the children adopted between the ages of 7 months and 2 years and only 22% of the children adopted between the ages of 2 years and 3½ years were functioning normally.”

I did not have the opportunity to follow up with the family at 6 years of age like in this study, but I am hopeful that the progress we witnessed at age 2 continued and he is thriving now in adulthood. I know that his story touched many parents and caregivers I shared it with of the importance of bonding and encouragement that later is better than never.

Stories are powerful. Did you catch my last three posts with some of my favorite stories?

• Want to make a difference and change lives? You can. Drive the magic bus.        

• Why do stories inspire success better than statistics? They connect.          

• Is bonding critical? Yes. Feeling loved is essential for learning and growth.

“The most valuable gift that a child can receive is free; it’s simply a parent’s love, time and support. This is no empty sentiment; science is now showing why baby’s brains need love more than anything else.”

~  Robert Winston and Rececca Chicot in “The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children.”

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